Channeling a Blonde

"A guy on match dot com said he wants a babe

with a switched on smokin' hot body.

In order to fit that profile,

I had to morph into a skinny blonde."

"Call me Zelig."

Bizarre Cyber Orders

"I was served with a cyber restraining order!

Does that mean I have to sit

at my computer

wearing mittens?"

Love at First Hallucination

"I joined match dot com and after a few

E-mails with a guy, I never heard from him again."

"Could it have been my breath?"

Channeling Rocky

"You gotta be a moron to wanna be a writer."

Rap Chat

"I agAIn have sOmE pALiNoIa todAy

NobODy would exPect mY cHAt to be any OTher way

I'm a meRE fUStiaN respONdin' to a qUEry

AnD I'm goNnA sWEat fOnt uNtil I'm wEAry."

marjorie and her imaginary friend

"I went to my therapist and brought my imaginary friend.

At the end of the session, he charged me double!"

The Go-Go Look

"Excuse me?

My teased and ratted beehive hairdo does NOT

contain spiders and maggots. What flapdoodle."

Lookalike Contests

"Grrrrr, a chat meanie said I look like

Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald's love child!

Whatever gave him that idea? He needs lasik!"

Channeling Larry David

"Look at me, I morphed into Larry David!

He thinks HE has OCD?

I am OCD Patient Zero!

And I feel pretty pretty pretty pretty good!"

An Homage to a Pop Superstar

"Hurry and turn on your webcams.

I am doing an homage to Lady Gaga.

I am wearing a hula hoop in my pony tails."

An Homage to a Pin-Up Girl

"I give you... eye dazzling pulchritude!"

Channeling Norma Desmond

"Darlings, turn on your webcams. I am channeling Norma Desmond.

My internet presence is huge!

Without me, there wouldn't be any, any... Twitter!

In one week, I received 17,000 follower requests."

Channeling Veronica Lake

"Mmmmmm I love this chat room, 'Flirt With Cops.' It's funny, but

practically all the cops in this room were strangers when I met them.

Now, in this room I never say good-bye. It's only a sweet good-night."

Channeling Max Reger

"Max said:

'I am sitting in the smallest room of my house.

I have your review before me.

In a moment it will be behind me.'

Recently, if dear Max had been my role model...

50 trees would still be living."

Online Dating

"I decided to try online dating.

I loved this guy's photo, but after

a quick Google of his name

I saw it was his

mug shot."

Taking a Break

"I prepared quite a mouth-watering spread.

Look at the foods I put out:

everything from soup to nuts!

It's a cyber Viennese Table!"

"I have no room on my desk

for my computer. Therefore...

Today, no typing for me!"

Channeling Houdini

"I am like the great Houdini.

I can be at my computer in a straightjacket

with my wrists in handcuffs

and my legs in shackles.

And I can still do my special brand of crazy

in 1000 comments

in 5 minutes

at 10 different internet forums!"

Dressing for Success

"I realize I am now a total internet sensation."

"So, I am online in a black strapless cocktail dress

and I let my fans soak in my smokin' hot good looks.

Many fans have become fixated on me.

I know this all comes with

being a celebrity."

Who's Your Daddy?

"People tell me I am a new form of abstract art."

"I wear nostalgia like Lady Gaga wears red meat."

"Maybe I am the love child of Basquiat and Little Lulu."

Life Reviews

"When my life flashes before my eyes,

it will be an overexposed negative."