A Visit to the Dentist

"Quick! Turn on your Skype.

I just came from having my teeth cleaned at the dentist's office.

Look! I think I bled enough to feed Dracula for a year!

What's up with that?"

An Admired Characteristic

"I finally realized in life I need a stronger dose

of the trait all people in power love: the brown nose!

I will internalize and practice this admired characteristic.

It couldn't hurt. I can brown nose with the best of them.

Watch! A little bit wider, please!"

An Inevitable Morph

"But you see in dealing with me,

the literary agents didn't know

that they were dealing with a staunch character

and I tell you if there's anything worse

than dealing with a staunch woman... S-T-A-U-N-C-H.

There's nothing worse, I'm telling you.

They don't weaken, no matter what."

Channeling Zorba

"I had to channel Zorba.

He has my philosophy!

Zorba: Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.

You've got everthing except one thing: madness!

A man needs a little madness, or else...

Basil: Or else?

Zorba: he never dares cut the rope and be free."

Celebrate Your Crazy

"A forum keeps telling me I have my own special brand of crazy.

Another forum said I am nuts and they called me a wacko.

And I have been called a fruitcake.

What's wrong with crazy? Get crazy!

I say... celebrate your crazy!"

Channeling Larry David

"Look at me, I morphed into Larry David!

He thinks HE has OCD?

I am OCD Patient Zero!

And I feel pretty pretty pretty pretty good!"

Channeling Mona Lisa

"Wow, I don't think I look like Mona Lisa in this morph.

I look more like Morticia Addams.

Maybe Bebe Neuwirth needs an understudy.

Ya think? "

Channeling for a Writing Contest

"I channeled so I could pay an homage to writing contests for book giveaways on the internet. The ARCS for my book, "The Clue in the Fangs," are here and I have 10 copies to give away. Write a story, 100 words or fewer or less, using these words:

heuristic

Gidget

gongoozler

ranarium

da shiznit

dawg

tuchus

Hollywood Ten

Bonus points if you can include this phrase: "Button candy gets me high." Extra bonus points for entries that are posted in invisible ink.

The contest starts NOW. Please post entries in the comments section."

(This contest is for fun and is a parody.... please note: no books will be rewarded)

Font Felonies

"You reported me to the chat police

for typing something egregious?

What's the charge? A font felony?"

Call me Pisher, the Shvitzer

"A literary agent asked how his blog readers feel about

a controversial website, and I have strong opinions.

So, like an energizer bunny I kept adding comments and comments

and more comments. And even more... comments.

Every time a writer posted his opinion,

I was like a Pavlov dog and felt compelled to reply.

I thought I was actually adding salient points.

Well, after my most recent post,

the literary agent said it was time to let it go;

I was told my comments were no longer necessary.

I suppose my comments were a bit excessive...

and, I was mortified!

But then, this other blogger said I invoked Godwin's Law

and then another blogger kept calling me a troll...

There was such a tummel, I just deleted

many of my comments

and took a strong hit of

my smelling salts and

put on

Wheel of Fortune.

Sigh, my internet involvement

is ridiculous.

I should be in Boca tanning my fat tuchas during the day

and waiting for the early bird specials at night.

"

Zip Enthusiasm?

"I just received the 232nd rejection with the same response:

'I did not feel enthusiastic about your project.'

What's not to be enthusiastic about?

This query process is getting on my last nerve already."

Designed to Chagrin

"Everybody in the chat room thinks I am an ass?

I am an ass? Tell me something I DON'T know!"

marjorie shows her swagger

"I am always at the computer with my own special brand of swagger.

On cold days, when there is a chill in the air, I prefer to not type.

I wear a muff and just read the screen. I am quite coruscating."

marjorie and Woody

"My fans ask me why I look different in every picture.

Why? Because Zelig is my role model!"

marjorie interviews Bruno

Bruno: So, you arrived to interview me in the form of this ridiculously lousy "abstract collage." What do you want to know, boring lady?

marjorie: Look, you are into issues; I am into issues, too. You were the star in a major motion picture where you acted like a total horse's ass. I was in bupkis. Let me go kill myself now.

marjorie interviews Sarah S.

Sarah S.: Do not ask me how much I was paid to write my best-selling memoir, "The Bedwetter." It received a phenomenal review in the NY Times. The reviewer called a passage "crude and frantic brilliance."

marjorie: Wow! I wrote a memoir, too. And I was a bedwetter, too! I also vomited in bed and every night fell out of the bed. I lived the triple play of brilliance! But, you wrote the million dollar book. Let me go kill myself now.

marjorie interviews Julie

Julie: I blogged about my experiences while cooking all the the recipes in the Julia Child cookbook. People loved the stories and the blog became a book and then a movie, starring Meryl Streep.

marjorie: My aunt Sadie did the exact same thing! She cooked all of Julia Child's recipes, too. She wrote about her adventure in a little diary, and I have that diary in a drawer. She told about the time she cooked that special split pea soup on her fire escape during a blackout. And when the lights went back on, she saw Bigfoot's face in that soup. That would have made an exciting movie! Let me go kill myself now.

marjorie interviews the "sh*t my dad says" guy

"Sh*t My Dad Says" guy: Well, my dad always said 'sh*t' and 'f*ck' in his funny advice. It was a riot, so I posted all his lines on Twitter. People thought the Twitter page was hilarious. Every line was about sh*tting and f*cking! Not exactly a high-end sophisticated concept, but people loved it. The wildly popular Twitter page became a best-selling book and it is being made into TV series which will premiere on CBS in the fall. It stars the legendary William Shatner.

marjorie: Your Tweets about sh*tting and f*cking and your book about f*cking and sh*tting is now being made into a TV series? Let me go kill myself now.

marjorie interviews a RHONJ

RHONJ: So, do you want to talk about my fabulous husband, my wonderful children, my beauty secrets, or my fantastic life in my McMansion? Hmmm, maybe you want to discuss my best-selling book.

marjorie: You have a best-selling book? Let me go kill myself now.

An Homage to Warhol

"Andy Warhol said,

'An artist is somebody who produces things

that people don't need to have.'

He also said,

'Everyone will be famous for 15 minutes.'

Well, everybody needs my art and

I am still waiting for my 15 minutes.

I suppose I am the anti-Warhol.

Ya think?"

An Homage to Klimt

"Klimt said: 'I can paint and draw. I believe this myself

and a few other people say that they believe this, too.

But, I'm not certain of whether it's true.'

He took the words right out of my mouth!"

Internet in the Park

"It was a chaotic assault on my senses. Din. Details?

A pigeon crapped on my head,

I was almost hit by a guy on a speeding bike,

a kid threw up on my shoes,

a rollerblader skated over those shoes,

a skateboarder whizzed by me and startled me,

I almost tripped over a dragged suitcase on wheels,

a dog who had just urinated jumped on me

and my feet got tangled in his leash,

and some dude spit tobacco in my direction

and it landed on my jeans."

"Ah, the joys of a crowded city park experience."

marjorie's life

"Get a life." "I have no life."

The pragmatic conclusion:

marjorie's life = the mathematical "null set"

An Homage to Picasso

"I am feeling quite angular and colorful.

And very dizzy.

Pass the dramamine, please."

An Homage to Girl with a Pearl Earring

"What?

You do not appreciate this artistic morph?

Get lasik!"

True Twilight

"Look at my new favorite line:

'I am ready to face the images in my nightmares now.'

LOL, I could sooooo get used to the morph that drives YA fiction."

Back to Basics

"Math applications are a lost art."

A Word Wall

"Words, words, words...

full of sound and fury and capable of remarkable things."

Outside the Lines

"Years ago, when you received an exciting coloring book

you were instructed to 'stay in the lines.'

That was then, this is now.

I now color outside the lines.

And my advice is to be different, never be a lemming...

and most of all: celebrate your crazy."

Having Some Work Done

"I just got a facial cocktail of Botox, Juvederm, and Restylane.

When the swelling goes down, I will look as beautiful as...

Elizabeth Taylor in BUtterfield 8."

For Degas

"Turn on your webcams.

I am going to do an adagio, a pirouette, and a grand jete.

I have a call back for corps de ballet.

Do you think I can use Countess LuAnn's,

"Money Can't Buy You Class," for the audition?"

Chasing Margot Fonteyn

"Nureyev said about the great Margot,

'At the end of Lac des Cygnes when she left

the stage in her great white tutu

I would have followed her to the end of the world.'

When I sign off in my darling pink tutu,

does anybody want to follow me to the local diner?"

Rap Chat

"I agAIn have sOmE pALiNoIa todAy

NobODy would exPect mY cHAt to be any OTher way

I'm a meRE fUStiaN respONdin' to a qUEry

AnD I'm goNnA sWEat fOnt uNtil I'm wEAry."

Morning Exhaustion

"Don't ask! This morning, I was so tired and bleary eyed...

by mistake I brushed my teeth with the product to relieve rectal itch! Aargh!!"

A New Look

"Don't hate me because I have gorgeous hair."

The Chatter in Art

"I am giving you my self-portrait, if you will.

I have used watercolors, markers,

colored and uncolored pencils, and washable and glitter crayons.

I believe in using multiple art mediums."

Channeling Rocky

"You gotta be a moron to wanna be a writer."

Swatch Tests

"I have been told my entire fashion look should been left in Beta."

Channeling Disco Sally

"Oh, balderdash too old! The trend is old.

I can remember the great role model Disco Sally.

And now it's Susan Boyle, Betty White, Joan Rivers...

and me, marjorie!

I have charisma; young people sweat me.

Now take a hike. Scram. I have to go watch Wheel of Fortune."

When Shenanigans Backfire

"Harumph! My internet shenanigans finally backfired and served

to hoist me with my own petard! I was blacklisted!!

From now on, it is I who shall be wearing mittens at the computer!

Woe is me. Sniff, sniff. Pass the smelling salts."

Channeling Shirley Temple

"I was blacklisted? Oh, my!"

♫ ♫ "If something may upset you,

Don't ever let it get you down, ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ Don't wear a frown.

Just keep your chin up, ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ And give it a try,

And you'll find silver-lined clouds in the sky. ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ You gotta S-M-I-L-E

To be H-A double P-Y." ♫ ♫

- words by Mack Gordon, music by Harry Revel

An Art Homage

"OMG, you don't like my homage to Jackson Pollock?

Duh, I never claimed to be a good artist anyway!

Get real. I am admired for what I say, not for how I look."

The Natural Look

"I decided to go natural. I stopped dying my hair

and I am wearing no make-up.

I think this is an excellent disguise."

Swimming in a Dreadful Morph

"I tried to morph into Ariel for you,

but something went dreadfully wrong.

Check your webcams. My hair should look red. Does it?

Plus, I am like so totally sliding off this wet chair. It's gross."

marjorie does Film Noir 1

"I am so damn fed up with this life on the lam

I would do anything for a house full of screaming brats,

a table full of dirty dishes, and five loads of laundry."

marjorie does Film Noir 2

"That tramp is mad as hell that she did time and now she is back

trying to frame me for that heist."

marjorie does Film Noir 3

"I am so tired of taking in washing that I am ready to scam

that sucker for all his money and never look back."

marjorie does Film Noir 4

"That guy said he enjoys working a dame over for the hell of it.

That's what my last boyfriend said. And you ask if I like being single?"

marjorie Time Travels

marjorie time travels back to World War II, where she

poses next to soldiers on an airstrip in Alaska.

marjorie Time Travels

marjorie time travels back to 1948 and hitches a ride in

a Pontiac convertible for a cross country trip!