Lookalike Contests

"Grrrrr, a chat meanie said I look like

Raggedy Ann and Ronald McDonald's love child!

Whatever gave him that idea? He needs lasik!"

Channeling Larry David

"Look at me, I morphed into Larry David!

He thinks HE has OCD?

I am OCD Patient Zero!

And I feel pretty pretty pretty pretty good!"

An Homage to a Pop Superstar

"Hurry and turn on your webcams.

I am doing an homage to Lady Gaga.

I am wearing a hula hoop in my pony tails."

An Homage to a Pin-Up Girl

"I give you... eye dazzling pulchritude!"

Channeling Norma Desmond

"Darlings, turn on your webcams. I am channeling Norma Desmond.

My internet presence is huge!

Without me, there wouldn't be any, any... Twitter!

In one week, I received 17,000 follower requests."

Channeling Veronica Lake

"Mmmmmm I love this chat room, 'Flirt With Cops.' It's funny, but

practically all the cops in this room were strangers when I met them.

Now, in this room I never say good-bye. It's only a sweet good-night."

Channeling Max Reger

"Max said:

'I am sitting in the smallest room of my house.

I have your review before me.

In a moment it will be behind me.'

Recently, if dear Max had been my role model...

50 trees would still be living."

Online Dating

"I decided to try online dating.

I loved this guy's photo, but after

a quick Google of his name

I saw it was his

mug shot."

Taking a Break

"I prepared quite a mouth-watering spread.

Look at the foods I put out:

everything from soup to nuts!

It's a cyber Viennese Table!"

"I have no room on my desk

for my computer. Therefore...

Today, no typing for me!"

Channeling Houdini

"I am like the great Houdini.

I can be at my computer in a straightjacket

with my wrists in handcuffs

and my legs in shackles.

And I can still do my special brand of crazy

in 1000 comments

in 5 minutes

at 10 different internet forums!"

Dressing for Success

"I realize I am now a total internet sensation."

"So, I am online in a black strapless cocktail dress

and I let my fans soak in my smokin' hot good looks.

Many fans have become fixated on me.

I know this all comes with

being a celebrity."

Who's Your Daddy?

"People tell me I am a new form of abstract art."

"I wear nostalgia like Lady Gaga wears red meat."

"Maybe I am the love child of Basquiat and Little Lulu."

Life Reviews

"When my life flashes before my eyes,

it will be an overexposed negative."

Life Checks

"All over, here and there...

I don't see dead people.

I see morons."

"Life is filled with narisha zach fueled by kooks.

And when it's over, the narisha zach

winds up in a Staten Island landfill."

"We all have a death sentence.

If you get the right tests and procedures,

you get little stays of execution.

But, the house always wins."

Halitosis and Flowers

"When you use nasty language in a debate,

all that your audience will see is green halitosis."

"When I debate, I speak so kindly

red flowers fall out of my mouth!"

"A calm approach is always a key to a...

WIN!"

The Brunch

Four literary agents at Twitter have blocked me? Oye.

I feel I can be wacky and "batshit" and write my opinions

as I please... and I couldn't care less if all these agents

serve me up for brunch at a roast of jackasses.

Enjoy!

Internet Bonding

"I am loving how two people bonded

when running from my special brand of crazy."

Computer Obsessions

"I am obsessed with an issue and cannot stop

typing comments about it.

And, I keep typing the same thing over and over and over.

Call me Jack Torrance."

Brain Cred

"I was accepted into Mensa based on

the amount of people that blocked me on Twitter."

Web Analysis

"A chatter who never met me declared

I have no social boundaries and no grasp on reality!"

"Was that before or after I sang in the subway

dressed as Turanga Leela?"

Different Strokes

"I believe one person's "lunatic" can be another person's "role model."

Reverse Psychology

"A chatter called me 'stupid!'

I think it was a psychological device used to enable

her own self-esteem because she could not understand

my references to Riemann's Metric Tensor!"

The Reaction to "Hilarious"

"If a comment is posted that is hilarious,

copious group laughter will abound and

soda will auto-pour out of the noses of the internet audience.

It's a sort of de rigueur response if you are a member of

the club of snarkmeisters."

"Some other auto-replies are:

win, fail, amazing and...

filled with so many parts of awesome."

"Batshit" crazy?

"Yikes!

On Twitter, I was called 'batshit!'

Ouch!

Heh! Heh! Batshit?

Bite me, bitches!

Now a poem, just for my fans who sweat me:

Roses are red and violets are blue,

I am 'batshit?'

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

There is NO PART of 'batshit'

that I won't own and make a perfect fit!

I am delighted and happy to stand with other nuts

And all the sarcastic and angry fabisinas can kiss our fat butts!"

Shades of Gray

"I am so tired of online analysts.

They throw around the word 'crazy' a lot.

And what's wrong with 'crazy?'

All the greatest films and books are about crazy people!

These yentas should get jobs administering

cyber Thematic Apperception Tests."

Chat Imitates Museum Visits

® WGAE
© Marjorie Levine 2010

Sore Loser

"I have entered 112 online writing contests, and I never win!

My last entry was phenomenal, and I still did not win.

The judges must hate me.

I cannot imagine why.

Everybody else thinks I am charming, filled with humor, and

I have a marvelous sense of joie de vivre.

And my entries are always quite good...

I am sad today."

A Solution

This is my perfect solution for comments designed to chagrin.

Wicked Impersonations

Wow!

There's another "Marjorie" on the 'net

posting comments on the same blogs!

The internet sure attracts kooks who

sweat me and love to gas my head!

Personality DNA in Cartoons

"I got everything I needed to know about you from your cartoons."

"Yikes!

Did you learn about Charles M. Schulz from "Peanuts," too?

Maybe you learned about Walt Kelly from reading "Pogo?"

Or about John Wagner from "Maxine?"

What a kook!"

A Kathy Griffin morph

"OMG, I morphed into the amazing Kathy Griffin

and I can hear her now:

I am on the 'marjorie' blog? D list!!"

An Homage to Harper

"Let's you and me get acquainted. Go sit down in that chair.

Have a bon bon. Just remember, I'm the boss here.

And keep your chat files active. You'll be back."

Death Wishes

"marjorie, you are sad and crazy and more than a little scary.

But, don't worry guys. She will eventually either move on or die."

"Yow, and oh my! I have to die to stop impacting

your precious online chat experience?"

Unsolicited Reviews

A review:

"I've been reading your cartoons.

I find them more bitter and sad than funny."

And my reply:

Roses are red and violets are blue,

You find my toons bitter and sad and not funny

Boo hoo hoo hoo hoo!

Booyah!

Channeling Shirley Temple

a repost:

"I was blacklisted? Oh, my!"

♫ ♫ "If something may upset you,

Don't ever let it get you down, ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ Don't wear a frown.

Just keep your chin up, ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ And give it a try,

And you'll find silver-lined clouds in the sky. ♫ ♫

♫ ♫ You gotta S-M-I-L-E

To be H-A double P-Y." ♫ ♫

- words by Mack Gordon, music by Harry Revel

Chat Positions

® WGAE

Channeling Baby Jane

® WGAE

In Beta

a repost:

THE CLASSICS, GROUP FIVE



® WGAE

Hide and Seek

"Yikes! Some nut in the chat room posted

my home address! I am hiding!"

marjorie and her imaginary friend

"I went to my therapist and brought my imaginary friend.

At the end of the session, he charged me double!"

Channeling a Literary Agent

"Let me open today's batch of E-mail queries!"

"This query has attachments!! What a freaking jerk!

This idiotic query has two misspelled words!

This nitwit sent a query written in chartreuse italic font!

This fool wrote 'alot' instead of 'a lot!'

This query includes 12 chapters of her memoir,

and I don't even rep memoirs!

Stupid, stupid, stupid!

How many parts of stupid can I fit into one day?"

"Oh, here's a snail mail query!

Yikes, I opened it and fluorescent technicolor glitter

fell out all over my desk and on to my fresh bagel!

And it smells like perfume!"

"Some damn ignoramus posted a query in 3-D on YouTube!

May I ask where the glasses are?"

"I have to Twitter about these idiots.

These queries have given me a migraine.

I need some laughs! Let me begin a contest.

I found an old Bobbsey Twins book I will give as a prize."

"After looking at these stupid queries all day,

I need... a hyperbaric chamber."

A Visit to the Dentist

"Quick! Turn on your Skype.

I just came from having my teeth cleaned at the dentist's office.

Look! I think I bled enough to feed Dracula for a year!

What's up with that?"

An Admired Characteristic

"I finally realized in life I need a stronger dose

of the trait all people in power love: the brown nose!

I will internalize and practice this admired characteristic.

It couldn't hurt. I can brown nose with the best of them.

Watch! A little bit wider, please!"

An Inevitable Morph

"But you see in dealing with me,

the literary agents didn't know

that they were dealing with a staunch character

and I tell you if there's anything worse

than dealing with a staunch woman... S-T-A-U-N-C-H.

There's nothing worse, I'm telling you.

They don't weaken, no matter what."

Channeling Zorba

"I had to channel Zorba.

He has my philosophy!

Zorba: Damn it boss, I like you too much not to say it.

You've got everthing except one thing: madness!

A man needs a little madness, or else...

Basil: Or else?

Zorba: he never dares cut the rope and be free."

Celebrate Your Crazy

"A forum keeps telling me I have my own special brand of crazy.

Another forum said I am nuts and they called me a wacko.

And I have been called a fruitcake.

What's wrong with crazy? Get crazy!

I say... celebrate your crazy!"

Channeling Larry David

"Look at me, I morphed into Larry David!

He thinks HE has OCD?

I am OCD Patient Zero!

And I feel pretty pretty pretty pretty good!"

Channeling Mona Lisa

"Wow, I don't think I look like Mona Lisa in this morph.

I look more like Morticia Addams.

Maybe Bebe Neuwirth needs an understudy.

Ya think? "

Channeling for a Writing Contest

"I channeled so I could pay an homage to writing contests for book giveaways on the internet. The ARCS for my book, "The Clue in the Fangs," are here and I have 10 copies to give away. Write a story, 100 words or fewer or less, using these words:

heuristic

Gidget

gongoozler

ranarium

da shiznit

dawg

tuchus

Hollywood Ten

Bonus points if you can include this phrase: "Button candy gets me high." Extra bonus points for entries that are posted in invisible ink.

The contest starts NOW. Please post entries in the comments section."

(This contest is for fun and is a parody.... please note: no books will be rewarded)